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It's impossible for me to describe myself in a single paragraph because I'm still trying to find who I am. I'm seventeen and I live in an insignificant city. Sometimes I don't make very much sense but during the time I spend here I try my best. My kitten is actually the devil and I drink too much diet coke.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

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I don't know what the actual definition of a mental breakdown is, but I know that I have either have experienced considerable amount of them in my life or have come very close quite frequently over the last three years. Since I'm only seventeen you're probably rolling your eyes at me and think I'm just another stupid, over-reactive teenager and stop reading. You don't have to do that because that's not the case here. Although, I wish it was. My name is Yuki and I'm writing this because I need to put my thoughts somewhere.  A long time ago I used this website before; I could say whatever I wanted and take comfort that others were actually taking time out of their day to stop and listen to what I had to say. Everyone needs someone to listen sometimes and I feel like screaming because at the moment no-one listens to me.

There isn't a simple explanation for what I have. In fact, there isn't one. The NHS will not diagnose anyone under the age of eighteen with a personality disorder because apparently most adolescents displaying the symptoms of them are either hormonal or acting out for attention. At least, this is what my therapist tells me. I display every symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder and have done consistently since I started missing school in 2010.
Typically someone with borderline personality disorder will:

  • have emotions that are up and down (for example, feeling confident one day and feeling despair another), with feelings of emptiness and often anger
  • find it difficult to make and maintain relationships
  • have an unstable sense of identity, such as thinking differently about themselves depending on who they are with
  • take risks or do things without thinking about the consequences
  • self harm or think about self harming (for example, cutting yourself or overdosing)
  • have repetitive suicidal thoughts
  • fearing being abandoned or rejected or being alone
  • sometimes believe in things that are not real or true (called delusions) or seeing or hearing things that are not really there (called hallucinations).

  • I do a lot of things that are self-damaging. Sometimes I won't realise that what I'm doing isn't good for me or if I do chances are I won't give a fuck and do it anyway. It's like there's a force controlling me somehow. I don't want to be a bad person but there are times I really cannot seem to help myself. Though recently I have been trying to change. I still hate myself and can't go to school much but I've been making an effort to be nice to everyone and to get rid of the things that get me down because I'm sure having them around won't help me.

    Whether I have Borderline Personality Disorder or not, there is something definitely wrong with me. I attend therapy at an the 'Adolescent Mental Health Clinic' at least once a week and they're only allowed to stop seeing me if they can declare me as well again. But they haven't. When I first started going I thought I'd be finished in six months but to this day I'm still having to drag myself up there. During the first year I came unwell, I stopped going to school altogether; I barely left the house or spoke to anyone. Day after day I'd lay in bed and torture myself with terrifying thoughts. Eventually my mother was able to unwrap herself from her own ridiculous life and noticed that I wasn't leaving the house or eating or able to sleep despite being permanently accompanied by my duvet. After I refused to leave the house for a month she brought me to the doctors who sent an emergency referral to the clinic. Personally I thought everyone was making a big deal and I started to feel trapped. Suddenly I was being asked overly personal questions by a bald man behind a clipboard and my phone was taken away. I had no contact with any of my friends and even when I felt up to it I wasn't allowed to see my friends. I was on a downwards spiral until the next September, when I started school again.

    I'd been held back a year and allowed to change my subjects. Now I was studying things I cared about and I expected things to get easier, but they didn't. Slowly my mother restored my freedom and things went back to normal. I'd fooled her into thinking I was better and my therapist stopped asking difficult questions, I was down to an appointment a month.

    The charade didn't last. I couldn't keep up with school work, I was so stressed about missing deadlines and failing tests that I'd take days off and just sleep instead. It was easily done now that mum had gone back to work. That was when I self-harmed for the first time. My maths homework was frustrating me and I had got myself into such a state that I ended up driving the sharp end of my compass across my arm. In addition to this, I was also messing around with my ex boyfriend behind the scenes. I knew he was using me because it was casual and that there were other girls, but I needed to be close to him so I went along with it.
    Thoughts started creeping into my head again. I tried ignoring them but soon they built up so I couldn't. In April 2012 I stopped going in for the second time. I missed my GCSE modules. I have to do them all at the end of this year, but I don't think I can.

    I'm not getting any better. I've missed 12 consecutive school days and I feel worse than ever. I can't handle the work. My predicted grades were 11 As. Now I think I'll be lucky to get 7 Cs. I'm not stupid. But I can't cope with all this pressure that's being put on me. The only thing stopping me is myself and this year is my last chance to get them and that puts more fear in me than anything. 


    JJ Beazley said...

    Yuki, it isn't for me to say you don't have an identifiable psychological condition. Maybe you do and maybe it's treatable. What I can say, however, is this:

    Most of what's on your list is very familiar to me, both in terms of personal experience and what I've seen in people I know. My ex and I talk about this sort of thing frequently. It seems to be common among people who are:

    1. Highly intelligent.

    2. Existentially aware (people we might call 'truth seekers.')

    2. A bit rebellious - by which I don't mean wildly rebellious, but the sort who naturally resists being forced between the culture's tram lines.

    Do you have a Buddhist centre nearby? I'm not suggesting you become a Buddhist (far be it from me to suggest the taking up of religion!) but I've seen how Buddhist practice can calm people down and become more centred (although it also prompts more endless questions, which I suppose is a bit ironic.)

    I assume it will be OK if I follow your blog and keep an eye on how you're doing.

    Yuki said...

    Well I suppose I won't know until I'm eighteen, but I hope to be over this by then hopefully.
    You're not the first person who has suggested Buddhism to me actually, my last boyfriend was very interested in it and mentioned that it might help a bit. As far as I know we don't have a centre here, where I'm from unfortunately anything other than Christianity is barely heard of. I'm not particularly religious but I do believe in Secular Humanisn, though I'm not sure if you can even say that's a religion.